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Notting Hill Movie Review: A Decade of Excellence, Part Two

Continue with us as we compare the denizens of Notting Hill with those of that other place filled by idiots so stupid that they use jujitsu as a form of tech support to fight falling ANSI graphics.

William Thacker vs. Neo

William Thacker lives in London’s charming Notting Hill district where he truly lives life to its fullest. He owns his own travel bookshop where he even buys orange juice for his employee. He has a great network of friends and family who he loves very much. Oh, did I mention that he also got the most famous actress on the planet to fall in love with him?

What the heck is so friggin great about Neo? Well, after giving it a respectable amount of thought, my conclusion is not much at all. From best I can tell he really only excels at one thing, that being having a stupid anagram for a name which isn’t even all that creative and even dumber than his girlfriend’s. Congratulations, you moved the o to the front to become the One, amazing wordplay. You’re a regular Will Shortz… or is it Zshort once you get your hands on it? However, what Neo does bring to the table is sucking at a vast array of things. One, he’s constantly late for work because he’s up all night failing to locate Morpheus. Two, he thought Trinity was a guy, but most guys do, so I guess that’s not a giant strike. Three, he’s an enormous pussy who can’t force himself out onto building ledges even when explicitly instructed to do so. Man up and do it. Let me illustrate with a brief list of overall less masculine people that have gone out onto ledges:

• Dana Barrett’s son in Ghostbusters 2 (a baby)

• Unnamed blonde in the Verizon Dare cell phone commercial (a woman)

• John Cusack in 1408 (a man – but a man loved by hipsters)

William Thacker. Point. Set. Match.

Finally, let’s compare them how they rate as couples.

Anna Scott and William Thacker vs. Trinity and Neo

William Thacker and Anna Scott, together as a couple, redefine what true love is. Even with the giant gap between their social status and overall lifestyles, do you know what they did for their first date? They went to William’s little sister’s birthday dinner. One of my favorite things about this scene has always been how William and Anna didn’t even sit next to one another at dinner. What this allowed them to do was really enjoy the pleasure of each other’s company on a level that just did away with all of the gaps between them. William was enamored with Anna from the moment she walked in his bookshop, but after the dinner she knew that she also wanted to be part of William’s world. Suck on that, bullet time.

On the other hand, you have those couples that cut everybody out of their life altogether and rock nothing but we, us, and who are you? Neo and Trinity are that couple. Morpheus went from being a father figure and equal to token black friend so fast it was not funny. When asked about being a friendless, noticeably skinny to gay guys, super p-whipped dude, I imagine Neo might get defensive and go one further and even talk about the diversity in his buddies, “Um….. no. One of my oldest friends in the real world and the captain of my ship just so happens to be black, thank you very much.”

Anna Scott and William Thacker. Point. Set. Match.

In summary, Notting Hill is the best movie ever made. Let me ask you this. If The Matrix is so stunningly amazing and such a piece of landmark filmmaking, then where did this come from? That’s right, not only are the characters full on retards, the entire movie was a shot for shot Bollywood copy job. Finally, I assure you that when back to back sequels Notting Hill 2: Back to the Blue Door and Notting Hill 3: For Love of the Race to the Heart, I Love You get made (possibly by me), they will be completely devoid of both raves and twenty minute long CG fests that somehow manage to bore you to tears (unless it’s a Rachel Getting Married style CG via crying girls).

Final Score: 5/5 Aaron Pierces